Trek

This summer, Aeryn had the chance to go on trek with the youth in our stake. Her dad was good to let us plan her visit to see him after the trek was done so she could participate. Since trek wasn't a thing when I was a teenager, I really didn't know what to expect for her or how to help her prepare. We followed the checklist from the stake making sure she had her metal pie plate to eat out of, two outfits for the four days, and a smattering of other things that would all fit inside of a 5 gallon bucket.

When she first stepped off the bus, she ran over to me and gave me a big, smelly hug. She immediately started crying because all the feelings she had bottled up for the four days came pouring out at once. She was physically and emotionally spent, in every way.

She and her Oregon BFF were both exhausted and felt they couldn't walk another step. I suppose going 30 miles over hilly terrain while pushing/pulling 700lb. handcarts is tiring...

I'm so happy that Aeryn was able to have this lovely lady as her "Ma." We have gotten to know their family very well over the years and she has the sweetest, most kind personality ever. It was a good personality mix for Aeryn as they (she and her husband) both have a way of being encouraging and supportive while being gentle. She told me how Aeryn was happy the entire time and never quit working. That sure makes a parent proud!

When we chatted about the experience, "Ma" said that "This was hard! I run marathons and I know hard, this was HARD." Then they got off trek and found that their car had been burned to the ground and all she had to say was that after those days on trek, she was just glad she didn't have to sacrifice anything bigger and was all smiles. See? Exactly the kind of example you hope your kids are around.

The stake had root beer floats waiting for the kids when they returned to the church, and had plenty for families. Tate thought that was pretty awesome. Ellie was there too, and had her share of root beer floats, but she tends to not stay in one place long enough to land herself in many of my pictures.

He also loved her bonnet! He loved it so much the beloved orange NIKE hood was removed so he could wear it. That is saying something.

There was so much work to do to clean up and get things put away. I'm sure everyone there was anxious for a warm shower and clean set of clothes, but people pitched in and got the work done. Tents were cleaned, handcarts washed, trucks unpacked, and eventually we were able to head home.

I will never really understand what that was like for her, but I am so thankful for the chance she had to be with good people and prove to herself that she can do hard things. Now that the pain has subsided, she is left with good memories and talks about it happily.

Our little Pioneer

So, This Thing Happened...

The hubs and I had made a deal to not celebrate or talk about it, at least not until "it" was actually done. As it turns out, parents don't seem to prescribe to those sort of agreements, lest of all when they aren't told about them. Long story short, the cat is out of the bag, and we all know it's hard to get cats back in bags...

This dude graduated.

Technically, he walked at graduation but the degree has yet to post as he's still working on the dissertation. He is writing like a mad fool and should be set to defend it in a few weeks. TAT is when we will call the deed done and celebrate like a bunch of crazy people.

It's been a whirlwind five years working toward this goal, and it is hard to believe that it is almost done. I've learned more than I ever thought I would about a little tiny hole in the heart and I know absolutely nothing compared to this smarty-pants. Seriously, he's kind of amazing.

The next leg of our journey is still being decided. While many people get one or two interviews, Jim is at 100% for fly-outs (or job offers) following phone interviews, of which he has been lucky to have more than a few. I'm sure it helps that he has had research published in reputable journals, is researching something fascinating with medical implications, and is just a really charming and personable man {I'm not biased at all...}. We don't know where we will land next but that is part of the fun of this journey. Oregon has been so very good to us and such a grand adventure, that it is easy to expect good things from our next landing spot. In the meantime, we are virtually home shopping in every city we may land in. It's fun, filled with excitement, and brimming with possibilities.

Life is good.

I know it's early, but congratulations stud. I've loved being on this journey with you. Here's to whatever comes next.

"The fourth really changes things."

Um, yeah it does. 

The other day I posted a status on Facebook referring to my children by numbers associated with their birth order and my SIL made the above mentioned remark. I've been thinking a lot about it since then and wondering how life and parenting has changed with each additional child. Since Charlie is currently 3 months, that seemed like a perfect age to use for a comparison among my kids. There are some significant differences.

#1
Work: 
At 3 months, I was a stay-at-home mom. I had declared that there was no other option and that I would be staying home no matter the financial implications. I gladly and anxiously left my well-paying job as an inventory manager for a wholesale diamond broker even though I earned somewhere around 65% of our total household income.

Sleep:
Having read sleep training books throughout pregnancy, my baby had been sleeping through the night for a full month already which, you know, I got all the credit for because well, I gave our life structure so it was clearly a direct result of my awesome parenting. Baby was in a crib from day one at home.

I slept very lightly. If the baby so much as snored I was up and at her side watching her breathe until I knew all was well.

Fashion: 
Having recently left a work world that was fashionable and a little bit trendy and being in my early twenties, I had a closet full of stylish clothes in a very small size. I didn't wear any of them though as they didn't fit again yet so I lived each day in my husbands old jeans and tee shirts. Not stylish, but there was NO WAY I was ever going to buy clothes in the size I would have needed at that time. Denial. I was in it big time.

The baby however had a million cute outfits. I had scoured the clearance sales at Nordstrom for the previous six months and grandparents went a little berserk. At three months baby girl had about three pair of shoes that fit her.

Housekeeping: 
We had a dog and I successfully vacuumed every day (sometimes twice so there would be no dog hair on top of the carpet), walked the dog, kept the house spotless, cooked dinner, and had time to spare. My bathrooms were never dirty, my bed always made, and fresh cookies were common. That was the life! Our furniture matched, we had art on the walls, and our home was pretty. Yes, it was pretty.

Brain Function: 
Since I had so much free time during her 2-3 two hour naps each day, I read a lot. Like, a lot. At three months old I was taking a weekly trip to the library and reading 900 page books in 2-3 days. Much of this reading I did out loud because I wanted my baby to be exposed to language and college level vocabulary.

Pictures: 
We had been given a digital camera (the kind that used floppy disks!) and I loved it, but the file sizes were large (for the time) and so I took a conservative number of photos. Baby had professional pictures taken.

#2 
I call this one my "freebie" since I didn't have to be pregnant to get her into my life. As I wasn't around when she was three months I really can't count her in my comparison.

#3
Work: 
I was unemployed for three years and so I was going to be a stay-at-home mom with baby boy when he was three months regardless of choice, though it would have been my choice anyway.

Sleep:
This one slept through the night two weeks earlier than the previous one, which I was torn between taking all the credit for and just feeling lucky. By this time I'd made enough friends who also had kids that I was starting to see the foolishness in taking credit for anything the kid did. I wasn't completely convinced however, and still thought it was a sign that I was awesome. Baby started sleeping in te crib at about one month.

I slept well. If baby slept at night, so did I.

Fashion: 
Looking back at how I handled baby #1, I was DETERMINED to not "let myself go," and made sure to do my hair and wear accessories. When in doubt I'd throw on a cute scarf or fun earrings. I could do laundry daily and always had something clean to wear, even if babyhood happened and I had to change often. He also had multiple pair of shoes, because, well, baby shoes are adorable.

Baby was spoiled mercilessly and given tons of cute things from grandma. First boy grandchild in almost a decade (and only the second boy at that). Plus, I was really excited and used my Gap card rewards buying baby clothes.

Housekeeping: 
Meh. We were living in a small apartment with no storage so things had to be just so to not look chaotic. It was cluttered but for the most part things were picked up and manageable. We gave away and sold many, many things before the baby came to make room for him so the contrast made it feel better. Things weren't as clean as I like and I blamed it on the tiny space and having it full of baby items. The hubs typically cooked dinner and it was delicious so I didn't mind. I pretty much spent all my time loving on the baby. Since there was a large age difference, #1 was at school and I felt much like a first time mom again with plenty of time to spend one on one with the baby. The house was still presentable for the most part.

Brain Function: 
I read only a couple books, mostly recommendations on loan from friends. There was more laundry and more housework than with baby #1 so I didn't really read often or consistently. I baked a lot and often sent treats to hubby's lab for him to share. Things were going ok.

Pictures: 
I used the DSLR to take weekly photos chronicling baby's life. Outfits were planned, drool wiped away, tripod utilized. Baby didn't have professional photos but I liked having the control and still got some great shots (along with an education). I also sent grandparents a daily photo via text so my pone storage was filled to the brim with baby pictures.

#4
Work: 
I am back at work full time, and have been for a month. I both love and hate it. I like feeling that I am myself again, but don't like being away. Some people don't do babies, but I do babies very well so work is constantly a source of mental anguish. I wish I were a stay-at-home mom, but it's not in the cards right now.

Sleep:
She sleeps through the night also, though with less predictable timing than the others. Baby sleeps in a pack-n-play and likely will until around 9 months old. I didn't pick out any bedding and she is using hand-me-down sheets. Right now she's actually sleeping in the bouncer chair because I don't want to wake up #3 taking her into the room that they share. The room that is decorated with sports and airplanes, and name art for #3, with her pack-n-play literally underneath the clothes rod - and yes, there are clothes hanging on it.

I seldom sleep through the night unless I crash early on the couch from exhaustion and am dead to the world. I wake when I hear #3 turning over in the crib, when #4 makes any sounds at all, or when #1 needs the bathroom. I alternate between crashing hard and sleeping like the dead or having complete insomnia. My weeknight average is 5 hours of sleep.

Fashion: 
Seriously, I am still wearing maternity clothes. Most days I am lucky if I shower at all. Today I had the good fortune to be able to shave both (yes, BOTH!) legs before I got out and even that was only done because I chose to ignore that the 2 year old was spraying cleaner all over the floor and the baby was crying. It's the little things. That four minutes won't hurt them. and I feel almost like a normal person. I go to work with my wet hair in a ponytail more often than not. My clothes are stained and stretched out and as much as I want to get new ones, I am not willing to buy ones with the number on them that I need right now (that clearly hasn't changed).

Baby still has loads of clothes (mostly from grandma) but is lacking some of the Gap card rewards splurges since I keep dreaming of using them to get myself some non-maternity pants. It hasn't happened yet because that requires that I leave the house to find out what size I wear. leaving the house is not going to be happening. Baby only has one pair of shoes, and that's just because they belonged to baby #1 and I kept them (and used them on baby #3 also).

Housekeeping: 
Hahahahahahahaha! Don't look in my bathroom. I'm serious. Don't. Also, if you are going to come over please give me at least an hour notice so I can cram all our junk onto my bed to hide it (until it's bedtime and all that stuff gets dumped on the floor in a drowsy stupor). I don't remember when I vacuumed last, and now that I'm in the postpartum shedding phase there is still hair on the floor though we don't have a dog. It's dismal, and I'm getting depressed thinking about it. I have to believe this is a temporary or it may just destroy the core of who I am as a person.

Brain Function: 
I have none. I can't count the number of times I lose my phone in a day, or how often I forget entire conversations the hubs and I have had. The other babies went on adventures with me to get out of the house and move around, but now it just isn't worth the work. I can't handle outings so we stay home in our tiny apartment and just dream of easier days.

Pictures: 
I dropped the DSLR and damaged our most versatile lens during my pregnancy. Since I work, I miss the only times of the day where we have enough light to get decent pictures in our apartment so I take very few. Most are mediocre phone snapshots in poor light that are either blurry or out of focus. That couple seconds just seems impossible when the toddler is climbing on your back at the same time. Grandparents get weekly photos, maybe, on a good week.

{{{{ }}}}

Long story short, yes, the fourth changes things. It has made me more tired, less coordinated, more messy, less put-together, and more unsure of my mental stability. At the same time, it has filled me with so much love and appreciation for my life and my family that I can roll with the punches on the other stuff a little more easily. As much as one side of me is desperate to regularly sleep through the night again, have a more attractive home, and feel good in my own skin once again, I am equally sad when I think of these crazy baby months being over. For every difficult moment there is an equally great one with children showing love and kindness toward each other, or getting to snuggle with a sweetly sleeping child. Four is more crazy than I expected but it's also more wonderful. I never saw myself with four kids, and now I can't see myself without them. Insanity is a small price to pay for this level of awesomeness.

The Daffodil Festival that Wasn't

This past weekend Junction City had a daffodil festival. I was super excited because they are my favorite flowers, but it just wasn't in the cards. Today the kids and I went for a drive to see if there were any flowers still visible. It was then I realized that I misread all the Facebook promotions. In my mind I pictured fields of even rows laden with yellow blossoms. Then I read the description again and found that it was just a celebration of all the daffodils that sprout in random locations around the roadways. The festival was to celebrate the little bursts of happiness blooming around town.

This was the first time I've left the house by myself with all four kids. It was no joke, I tell you what. Honestly, I am so grateful that the older girls can be so helpful. Now we are just working on having the same definition of the word "help."

I had toyed with telling them all to dress in some coordinated way and then decided to pick my battles and not worry about it. I didn't realize until I saved the pics to the computer that the oldest three are all wearing UO gear. Winning!

 
Tate has yet to understand what it means when I want him to look at the camera... and I think it's just the cutest thing ever. Real life is awesome.

Don't look too closely or you'll see that "real life" includes icing from the chocolate donut daddy bought the little guy for breakfast hours earlier.

A part of me was disappointed that there weren't any large fields of flowers like I'd imagined, but it turned out to be a great morning. The kids were funny running around and since they are not formally groomed flower beds or private property it was less critical when the flowers would get picked. The poor things were browning and bruised before we got home but we have a vase of sunshine on our table and I successfully convinced them that daffodils are the best flower ever. Brainwashing complete.

Baby Girl's Blessing Day

Having a fourth child is really changing my level of dreaming. When T was blessed, I had grand ambitions and they didn't quite get met the way I hoped. This time I was much more realistic and planned, well, nothing. As in we didn't even tell our families that it was happening. Not by choice or premeditation, but more because we were busy and stressed and only remembered very last minute that it was this particular day or not at all. We were waiting until E was here, and before we knew it she was here. So..... yeah. I texted one person after we had it figured out. One. 

Not like us. 

Initially I wanted her to wear the dress my mom made for me as a baby. I was set on it, and then realized that is was not going to fit. We were about the same size at birth, but I was blessed at one month and she was blessed at three so the dress would have cut off her circulation. Clearly, that was not an option. I like her too much to do that.

Several months ago I kept a skirt one of our neighbors passed on to A that I thought was lovely and she wasn't interested in. I decided it would make a lovely blessing dress and made a plan. A simple three seam peasant dress would be fast and let the pattern of the lace shine. Then I decided it would be a good idea to do french seams so there wouldn't be anything rough on baby's skin. Great, but it did take it from a 30 minute project to somewhere a bit longer than that. Of course, other people's 30 minute sewing projects usually take me two hours. It's just not something I do often.

As it was moving along and coming together, my mom's sewing machine stopped working. I suppose it isn't surprising as it's about 50 years old, but since it is solid metal and crazy heavy I just assumed it would last forever. I had also lost the elastic purchased for the neckline and was trying to come up with a game plan for that one. A late night Facebook post begging for a machine to borrow landed me a loaner machine with a little time to spare. Ironically, it belonged to the same person who gave us the skirt. Basically, if it hadn't been for this neighbor our baby girl may have been reduced to wearing a stained onesie and a pair of jeggings.

Jim was baking cookies - which I have chosen to believe was to reduce his wife's stress level. Between consuming those and some caffeine I managed to stay up until it was all finished far too late that night (or was it early morning?). In the end, the dress was lovely, the day was joyous, and we have another little girl who felt thrilled that we waited to do the blessing when she was here visiting. It was a great, simple day. We love our little bug. 

Resolution

It's a new year, and one that is already filled with possibility and uncertainty. I typically don't do new Year's resolutions, opting instead to select "one little word" that represents the growth I am striving for. This year my word is "document." Many things have made this concept significant to me.

By nature, I am introspective and I often journal to clear my thoughts when my mind is cloudy. This past year however, I found that I most typically journaled when I was upset or stressed, leaving my preserved memories as those written in moments of frustration. I don't want to remember my life from that perspective.

If you know me in real life, you know I just had another baby. Having this baby was terrifying to me as I was not sure I could handle four children (I'm still not sure I can), but now that she is here I am completely in love. I can't even begin to imagine our life without her and she's only been here for a couple weeks. Since I will be going back to work in a month or two (sad!) I am very aware of all the moments that I will be missing. I want to document everything I can so that I remember the joy of watching her grow this year instead of getting overwhelmed by how much I feel I am missing.

This is also the year that the hubs should be finishing his Ph.D. Which means job searching, moving, and a plethora of other changes that accompany his accomplishment. I'm afraid that we will be very busy and I don't want to forget the good times that are inevitable amidst the chaos. I also tend to deal with stress by dreaming about the future. My Pinterest boards will be seeing a bunch of activity over the next six months I expect...

Life gets crazy for everyone, but this year looks to be especially busy for our little family. As a single parent putting myself through school and a bunch of other responsibilities, I turned to blogging to connect with the outside world and give myself a reason to do something worthy of being photographed and shared. Even in the middle of it, I felt it was silly and often only got outside and had adventures for the purpose of having something to blog, but now as I look back on those years I see the many good times that Squirt and I had because of my determination to document out life. It may be silly, and I'm sure it wouldn't work for everyone, but using the past as an indicator I am making documentation my goal for 2016.

To accomplish this goal I will:

• Take more photographs (selfies included!)
• Blog weekly 
• Compile family yearbooks beginning with our first year

Feel free to email me gentle reminders if you notice I am falling behind. At this point I could have a fairly dismal showing and still show growth in these areas.

Halloween

This year has been the weirdest Halloween we've experienced in Oregon. Usually, our apartment complex is hopping - kids and families all over the place. During Aeryn's last year in elementary school I was volunteering at the library and heard the other parents talking about how our complex was "THE" place to go. There were kids all over. The office used to sponsor cider and treats with coloring pages and a trick or treating stop for the kids. We'd see most of our friends as we walked around, and it was a blast. Seriously, a blast.

Today however, it seems mostly vacant outside. We have opened the door a total of 8 times to hand out candy, the parking lot is empty, and there are so few people. With a family, it's just one more thing that makes me anxious for the day we can finally move into a real neighborhood. Soon. At least that's what I'm telling myself: Soon.

Aeryn chose to be Black Widow, and Tate, well, he didn't get to choose anything. (And yes, it causes me stress that her blacks don't match, but well, she was happy and I'll just deal with it.)

Can I tell you how thankful I was for this costume choice? All it took was one trip to Goodwill and one 6 minute block of time to create the belt symbol. She totally made my day and I didn't have to talk her out of something elaborate first. That's the reason she actually has the costume she wanted. It was easy. At 34 weeks pregnant easy is my mojo.

Tate was slated to be a minion. Didn't he turn out cute????

Yes, I know, that doesn't look like a minion... That's because as I mentioned previously I am tired. With a capital T. On our goodwill visit I even scored the perfect overalls and was completely stoked. I was going to make the hat and goggles, dye a shirt or find something yellow for him to wear, then call it done, but even that was far too much effort for me. I have spent the last three days feeling like a slacker mom but in truth I'm going to blame it on baby girl sucking all my energy away. I can't be this unmotivated by myself, surely. 

This afternoon I was desperately trying to think of something we could put together at home and then it hit me that we had taken away a blue plastic bat this morning because Mr. T was waving it all around the place on the verge of damaging everything we own. Couple that with the jerseys he is about to grow into and the idea was born that we could make this look deliberate instead of last minute and spontaneous. Winning. 

Of course I had to try to document this whole weird holiday so I can forever look back at how cute/little/silly the kids once were. Toddlers do not care if you have a camera. They do not care if you want them to smile or be still for only one second. They do not care about much of anything except that they are outside and can run amok. Squirt tried to keep tabs on him, but the darling Pinterest-worthy photo ideas that linger in the back of an internet obsessed mother were not going to be happening. I can only imagine how effective it will be once there is yet another one to coerce into cuteness. Pinterest has ruined me. If it weren't for all the great ideas I've stolen from there I'd wish it would disappear so my self-esteem wouldn't suffer.  (Please, please, for the love, don't go away Pinterest.)

Squirt handed out candy to the few kids who came by and we took Tate to the doors of a few families we know. He didn't get the whole thing and tried to walk away once a person talked to him. He doesn't understand candy and it didn't make a whole lot of sense, but he LOVED knocking. We had success at only two homes which was just fine with us. I can say that we did it, and the kids still had a normalish non-sugared up bedtime. 

Evidently Ellie was sick and didn't get to go out tonight, but she was able to attend a party at church a few days ago and get to have a Halloween experience for the year. If only we'd be able to have them all together for this holiday one year...

And now, it's over. I didn't decorate, we bought our candy at 4:00 p.m. after we already saw kids outside, and as you know I was a bit of a slacker in the costume department. Next on the list is Thanksgiving, and I'm determined to actually experience that Holiday. I've already got plans for simple decorations and food. Bets on if any of that will happen? I'm thinking the odds are not looking good, but I'm going to keep dreaming anyway.